thoughts on languishing...

Semi-blind contour drawings daily practice

I posted on Instagram last week that I was struggling (read it here). I read this article by Adam Grant and it felt good to have a name for what I was feeling, and a small solution. I quit all social media, work, and my to do list for several days. Two days into it, I was smiling again. I felt fulfilled. Empowered. I was still living pretty much the same life, what actually changed?

In college I had a boyfriend who was all wrong for me. We fought all the time and I didn't even like him, but for some reason I stuck with him. Then during one of my classes, I had an epiphany while reading a scripture (verses 26-28 here if you are curious). I have free will! I have a choice. I am in charge. I broke up with him that night and felt so relieved. It sounds stupid, like, yes College Rachel, of course you should have known that was a choice, but I didn't see it. 

This has actually happened to me so often it's sad that I'm not getting it yet. I get this list of things I have to do or this person I have to be and start to feel stuck and out of control, not realizing that I'm creating my own limits. I have a choice! This is especially true when it comes to my business. As a creative small business, I rely heavily on social media, but also feel enslaved by it and other small business tasks. I don't have set work hours, so I end up thinking about it and planning it constantly. This endless "multitasking" takes away from being fully present in the moment and keeps me living in autopilot.

At first I thought I needed a break. Like stopping everything, but that was limiting in it's own way. I don't like being unproductive--it's boring and stressful. Instead, I tried adding activities to find flow like Grant suggested in the languishing article. It worked! I realized that I was enjoying life again because I was choosing it, not dreading it because it was something I had to or should do.  Here's some things I chose to do:

1. I spent a day making bad art. I love to paint, but I'm really not good at it. I feel all this pressure as a creative in one area to be perfect in all other creative areas. I haven't painted in over a year because of this pressure. It helped to go in with the goal to make something bad. It was fun. No pictures of it, lol.
2. Five months after subscribing to a year of Skillshare classes, I finally took a class--Drawing Toward Illustration by Tom Froese. I'm hoping to keep up the daily blind contour drawing practice. Low pressure and fulfilling. 
3. I sat and watched a movie by myself, without doing anything else. No checking emails, reading the news, looking a social media, binding a quilt, cutting out a project, etc. Map of Tiny Perfect Things on Amazon Prime was pretty cute.
4. I practiced the piano every day and started learning this Amelie song (inspired by this COVID story about it)
5. Finally did some activities in our family scratch off book. 
6. I read my Uppercase Magazine (I'm behind two issues) and discovered these two amazing bead artists (Poppy Peak and Rubinski Works).  I really want some of their earrings! 

I've even started to reframe normal daily activities in my mind. Instead of having to make dinner, I choose to make dinner, or choose to get take out instead. It seems like a small or even stupid change, but I promise, it's working.  I think exerting control over this small part of uncontrollable life will help alleviate the languishing feeling.